The Three R’s of Recovery: A Positive Discipline Approach to Mistakes
February 3, 2025

Do you ever feel annoyed by throw-away apologies? So often, our children pick up the habit of tossing out “I’m sorry” like a used tissue. Completely overused, the expression begins to feel devoid of worth. They speak the words, but it seems like they don’t actually feel a sense of remorse or regret, much less a desire to make amends.


In Montessori, we don’t insist that children apologize, especially right at the tail end of a heated moment. For goodness' sake, think about when we, as adults, are tired or hungry or stressed and make a snarky comment. We’re not usually feeling particularly sorry – more like ticked off and cranky! Later, after we’ve had time to take some deep breaths, or perhaps tend to low blood sugar, we often feel a deep sense of regret and desire to make things right.


Because our children tend to replicate what they see in us, it helps if we decide to first make sure we aren’t just using “sorry” as an easy way out. To really model a different approach, it helps to use the framework of the “Three R’s of Recovery” from Positive Discipline. 


The Three R’s of Recovery


When we make mistakes, we have an opportunity to make amends and even learn from the experience. In Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline work, the “Three R’s of Recovery” offer steps to follow after calming down. The first R stands for recognize, and with this, we verbally acknowledge our mistake and take responsibility for our actions. To do this effectively, we must also be sure to keep any hint of blame out of the picture. 


So if we’ve snapped at our children and later cooled off, we might say something like, “I feel really bad about when I snapped at you. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Notice that these statements don’t weave in any know-it-all finger-wagging about things they did to push our buttons. Rather than blaming, we take responsibility for the choice we made in the moment.


Next, we can reconcile by apologizing. This can be as simple as just saying, “I’m sorry.” When we’ve really taken responsibility, the reconciliation comes from a genuine and heartfelt place. And children are so forgiving and understanding. Perhaps we could learn a few things from them in this regard!


Finally, the third R is for when we resolve the problem. At this point, we work together to find a respectful solution. After taking responsibility and reconciling, everyone often feels open and willing to collaborate. If the time isn’t right for a brainstorming session, it’s important to set and stick to a later date for problem-solving. When allowed to share ideas in a safe, respectful forum, children often can help come up with incredibly creative solutions.


The Benefits


When we try putting the “Three R’s of Recovery” into practice, our children are often able to be more mindful after their less-than-ideal moments. Our mistakes become less about what we did wrong and more about the kind of people we want to be.  


Because mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow, our relationships with our children often grow stronger as we practice recognizing, reconciling, and resolving together. Mutual respect increases, and trust in each other becomes stronger. 


The Positive Discipline approach dovetails nicely with Montessori principles and practice. We’d love for you to visit our school to learn more. Contact us to schedule a tour!




October 27, 2025
Since the pandemic, we can find ourselves carrying new or heightened worries about our children’s social lives. We can have concerns about whether our children “lost time” with peers during critical developmental years. Or maybe it’s worry about shyness, reluctance in groups, or how screen time may have replaced face-to-face play. Even now, long after schools and activities have reopened, it’s common for anxiety to surface: Is my child making enough friends? Are they socially behind? Why We Feel This Way The truth is, these concerns are natural. COVID disrupted our social connections, and children being with other children is an important part of childhood. For months (and for some even years), daily opportunities to share space, work through conflict, and experience the joy of play were limited. Add in the reality of increased screen use, the culture of comparison amplified by social media, and children who may show hesitations around groups, and it’s easy to see why we are carrying this extra layer of worry. What Montessori Reminds Us Montessori provides us with a helpful perspective: growth is not lost, it is simply unfolding in its own time. Children are incredibly resilient. Social development isn’t a race, and there isn’t one perfect timeline. Just as each child learns to walk or read at their own pace, children find their own paths into friendships and community life. How We Can Support Children (and Ourselves) So, what can we do to ease our own (and our children’s) anxiety while supporting their social growth? First, remember that depth of connection matters more than numbers. A child with one or two genuine friendships has a strong foundation. In Montessori classrooms, we often see that meaningful, sustained interactions carry more value than a large peer group. Second, provide opportunities for natural interaction rather than overscheduling. Time at the park, family gatherings, or small playdates often offer more authentic growth than tightly managed activities. In the classroom, children practice collaboration daily, from sharing materials to working on group projects. Third, support independence. After COVID, it’s natural to want to step in quickly if our child seems uncomfortable socially. But small moments of trust—like letting our children introduce themselves, ask to join a game, or resolve a conflict—help them build confidence and resilience. Finally, model calm and social grace. Children absorb how we approach social situations. When they see adults showing openness and curiosity, they are more likely to approach peers with the same ease. Partnering with Teachers Your child’s teacher is also a valuable partner. Montessori guides closely observe children’s social interactions and can offer concrete reassurance: “I noticed your child inviting a friend to join her work,” or “He showed patience while sharing materials today.” These insights often show growth that may not be as apparent outside the classroom. Supporting Social Growth at Home Simple, practical activities in our children’s lives can make a big difference. Hosting a “work together” playdate, for instance, shifts the focus from entertainment to shared purpose. Children might bake bread, build with blocks, or create art together. These collaborative activities naturally encourage conversation, cooperation, and problem-solving, giving children structured opportunities to navigate relationships. Practicing grace and courtesy at home also builds confidence. Small role-plays, like how to join a game or politely declining an invitation, help children learn the social scripts they need. Learning how to insert themselves into play: “What are you playing? I’ll join too!” or “No, thank you. I’d like to work alone right now,” are examples that may seem small but make a significant difference when children encounter peers in real settings. Family game nights are another excellent tool. Cooperative board games, memory games, or card games teach turn-taking, handling winning and losing, and joyful connection. Games provide low-stakes opportunities to practice critical social skills like patience, negotiation, and flexibility. Finally, spending time in community spaces offers invaluable real-world practice. Visits to the library, farmers’ market, or nature center allow children to engage in everyday interactions, such as greeting a librarian, asking a vendor a question, or navigating shared space with peers. These experiences help children build confidence and fluency in social settings. Moving Forward with Confidence It’s understandable to feel anxious about our child’s social life after such a collective disruption. But rest assured: children are not permanently “behind.” With trust, time, and supportive environments, children continue developing the skills of friendship, collaboration, and community. Montessori reminds us that growth is steady and ongoing. Our role is to provide the space, opportunity, and confidence children need to thrive socially. When we step back and trust the process, we discover that children are, in fact, developing social competence. Come schedule a tour of our classroom environments in Oak Park, IL to see how Montessori fosters a lasting sense of confidence and a deep form of belonging.
Human Tendencies: Why Montessori Still Feels So Relevant
October 6, 2025
From curiosity to self-control, Montessori aligns with the human tendencies that help children grow, adapt, and flourish.