Effective Positive Discipline
April 14, 2025

Our children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They do this while simultaneously wanting assurance that they are accepted and belong. While this tendency may try our patience, it helps to remember that children just want to know that we can maintain both limits and connection.


Over the years, we’ve found four key approaches that, when used in parallel, can help re-establish relationships, provide clarity of expectations and routines, and help children feel understood and valued.


Mistaken Goals


Often, our children act out when their needs are not being met in some way. If we can understand what our children are trying to achieve through their behavior, we can address these underlying needs. The Positive Discipline model identifies how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. 


If children’s goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully.” If the need is power, their behavior conveys that they need meaningful ways to contribute. If children are trying to get revenge, they are communicating they are hurting or need their feelings validated. When their goal is assumed inadequacy, expressed by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind their behavior is a need for others to believe in their capability and show them small steps toward success.


We tend to have emotional responses when our children misbehave, and those feelings are the key to breaking the code of behavior. We recommend using this Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal chart. Use the first column to identify how we feel when faced with the behavior. The subsequent columns (such as how we tend to react and our child’s response) help hone in on the possible mistaken goal. Then, the chart also helps identify the possible beliefs behind the behavior, how adults may contrive, the underlying message, and proactive and empowering responses to shift the behavior. 


Pausing and remembering that misbehavior is a form of communication can help us respond to our children in more supportive ways. 


Bring Light Hearted Play into Parenting


Play allows children to process and make sense of their lives. They need play, and as Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, so eloquently explains in his book, Playful Parenting, children need the adults in their lives to play, too. Even though we may not feel like playing, by engaging in this way, we can create more closeness, cooperation, and confidence in our children.  


When there is a particularly tricky situation that keeps arising–perhaps bedtime, getting out of the house, sharing with a sibling, or something else–using a “playful parenting” model can help. To do this, first, briefly discuss the challenge together during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood. This conversation should be non-judgmental and focused more on making observations. For example, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to leave for school, you seem to get really stuck, and then I get angry because we will be late. Have you noticed that?” This can be a time for your child to share their perspective, too. 


Then, with your child, try acting out the scenario in different ways: when everything goes well, when everything falls apart, with a new approach, etc. It’s also super enlightening and fun to try reversing roles. Have your child be the adult, and you be your child. Not only does this lighten the mood about a friction-causing moment, it can also provide both parties some insight into the other’s perspective. Plus, this playful approach strengthens the bond you have with your child.


Devoted 1:1 Time, Even 10 minutes per day


Another way to proactively cultivate a positive relationship is by scheduling a special time with your child. Our children need our undivided attention, yet so often, as parents, we are pulled in many directions. One way to address this is to commit to having five to ten minutes of one-on-one time with each child. Let your children know that this is when you will be with them one-on-one and 100%. Put the phones away and commit to your time together. If you have more than one child, each gets to choose what you both do together during that time, and it’s important to schedule separate one-on-one time with each. 


Children are told what to do all day long. This devoted time can be a time that they get to choose the activity. Be sure to play anything they want during this time and commit to the time together. Children love this special time, and be forewarned, they tend to choose the activity we least enjoy (such as pretend play)! If this is the case, remember it is only for a short duration. Use a timer and stay committed to having the time each day. This undivided attention helps children feel secure and connected. The result? They are more cooperative with us and each other.


Let Routines Rule


If struggles arise around particular times of day (bedtime, mealtime, transitions, getting ready for school, etc.), shifting to a visual schedule can really help. The key is to collaborate (again during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood) with your child to create a visual schedule of what needs to happen during these typically challenging times of the day. For example, if bedtime is tough, brainstorm together about all the steps: brushing teeth, bath time, pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day, storytime, etc. Then together, you can create images, either by drawing them or taking photos of your child doing each step. 


This visual schedule can be a checklist that is laminated so your child can use a dry-erase marker to check off each item they have completed, or pictures can be attached with velcro so they are movable (which allows room for the order to be changed if your child can reorder the flow of events). The idea behind this is to give children a sense of control and to also take the focus off of us reminding them of the next steps. When our children hear us giving constant reminders about what to do next, they can easily slip into resistance mode. Plus, by providing information through the visual sense (not just the auditory sense), a visual schedule helps children understand more concretely and remember the expected structure and sequence.


We’d love to hear how these techniques work for you! Parenting can be an emotionally exhausting experience. One of the gifts of these strategies is that they can also help you reconnect to the joy of raising these amazing (and challenging) beings! Also, let us know if you’d like to schedule a time to come visit in person. We love sharing insights and ideas about supporting children!


October 27, 2025
Since the pandemic, we can find ourselves carrying new or heightened worries about our children’s social lives. We can have concerns about whether our children “lost time” with peers during critical developmental years. Or maybe it’s worry about shyness, reluctance in groups, or how screen time may have replaced face-to-face play. Even now, long after schools and activities have reopened, it’s common for anxiety to surface: Is my child making enough friends? Are they socially behind? Why We Feel This Way The truth is, these concerns are natural. COVID disrupted our social connections, and children being with other children is an important part of childhood. For months (and for some even years), daily opportunities to share space, work through conflict, and experience the joy of play were limited. Add in the reality of increased screen use, the culture of comparison amplified by social media, and children who may show hesitations around groups, and it’s easy to see why we are carrying this extra layer of worry. What Montessori Reminds Us Montessori provides us with a helpful perspective: growth is not lost, it is simply unfolding in its own time. Children are incredibly resilient. Social development isn’t a race, and there isn’t one perfect timeline. Just as each child learns to walk or read at their own pace, children find their own paths into friendships and community life. How We Can Support Children (and Ourselves) So, what can we do to ease our own (and our children’s) anxiety while supporting their social growth? First, remember that depth of connection matters more than numbers. A child with one or two genuine friendships has a strong foundation. In Montessori classrooms, we often see that meaningful, sustained interactions carry more value than a large peer group. Second, provide opportunities for natural interaction rather than overscheduling. Time at the park, family gatherings, or small playdates often offer more authentic growth than tightly managed activities. In the classroom, children practice collaboration daily, from sharing materials to working on group projects. Third, support independence. After COVID, it’s natural to want to step in quickly if our child seems uncomfortable socially. But small moments of trust—like letting our children introduce themselves, ask to join a game, or resolve a conflict—help them build confidence and resilience. Finally, model calm and social grace. Children absorb how we approach social situations. When they see adults showing openness and curiosity, they are more likely to approach peers with the same ease. Partnering with Teachers Your child’s teacher is also a valuable partner. Montessori guides closely observe children’s social interactions and can offer concrete reassurance: “I noticed your child inviting a friend to join her work,” or “He showed patience while sharing materials today.” These insights often show growth that may not be as apparent outside the classroom. Supporting Social Growth at Home Simple, practical activities in our children’s lives can make a big difference. Hosting a “work together” playdate, for instance, shifts the focus from entertainment to shared purpose. Children might bake bread, build with blocks, or create art together. These collaborative activities naturally encourage conversation, cooperation, and problem-solving, giving children structured opportunities to navigate relationships. Practicing grace and courtesy at home also builds confidence. Small role-plays, like how to join a game or politely declining an invitation, help children learn the social scripts they need. Learning how to insert themselves into play: “What are you playing? I’ll join too!” or “No, thank you. I’d like to work alone right now,” are examples that may seem small but make a significant difference when children encounter peers in real settings. Family game nights are another excellent tool. Cooperative board games, memory games, or card games teach turn-taking, handling winning and losing, and joyful connection. Games provide low-stakes opportunities to practice critical social skills like patience, negotiation, and flexibility. Finally, spending time in community spaces offers invaluable real-world practice. Visits to the library, farmers’ market, or nature center allow children to engage in everyday interactions, such as greeting a librarian, asking a vendor a question, or navigating shared space with peers. These experiences help children build confidence and fluency in social settings. Moving Forward with Confidence It’s understandable to feel anxious about our child’s social life after such a collective disruption. But rest assured: children are not permanently “behind.” With trust, time, and supportive environments, children continue developing the skills of friendship, collaboration, and community. Montessori reminds us that growth is steady and ongoing. Our role is to provide the space, opportunity, and confidence children need to thrive socially. When we step back and trust the process, we discover that children are, in fact, developing social competence. Come schedule a tour of our classroom environments in Oak Park, IL to see how Montessori fosters a lasting sense of confidence and a deep form of belonging.
Human Tendencies: Why Montessori Still Feels So Relevant
October 6, 2025
From curiosity to self-control, Montessori aligns with the human tendencies that help children grow, adapt, and flourish.